Football Week: AFC East Preview

It's football week here on planet Shot To Nothing and so we're going to be previewing a different NFL division every day. An also comparing each team to a popstar... 'cause that's the kinda shit we're into. Bitch.

AFC EAST

To get us rolling, I'm going to preview the finest division of them all (yes it is), the AFC East. In their predicted order:

The New England Patriots - The Polyphonic Spree
The Pats are filled with big name players and made some spectacular off season moves that are well documented. Surely the best (and most unfair) of these is the acquiring of Adalius Thomas, who brings strength to (debatedly) the only weakness that New England had. Along with Randy Moss, everybody on the Roster seems thrilled to be a Patriot and confident about the season ahead. But I question their jubilation.

A bit like the P-Spree, they appear to be filled with good things to say about the sheer quantity of talent that they have but when it comes down to it, how happy can they be about their share of the paycheck? Teams of superstars rarely perform as well as expected, for some reason, be it financial envy or craving of the spotlight, they just find it difficult to play well as a team. Not that I think the Pats will fail to win the division this season, but I don't think they will be as dominant as everybody (including them) seems to be expecting.

The New York Jets - Jessica Simpson
Whilst the Jets often look quite tasty during the season, you get the tend to get the feeling that they're not the complete package yet. It's almost like they're lacking a vital ingredient or two that stops them from joining in with the superstars. I think it will be another good year for the Jets, perhaps another playoff appearance too, but not it won't be a stellar season either way.

The Miami Dolphins - Madonna
The Dolphins are a team filled with a tradition of excellence and a history of dominant play, but you can't help wondering if they're ever going to be hot again. I still believe that the Dolphins draft was a good one and that John Beck and Ted Ginn will prove to be excellent additions to the roster, but rebuilding takes time and this may prove to be a long season for us Dolfans. Did I like the trade for Trent Green? well, not really, but I understand that we needed a stop gap and that's what Green is. If the Dolphins do anything at all this year then it will be down to their pretty mean looking Defense, but the way the Offense (and by that I mean the O-line) looks at the moment, we will be lucky to go near 8-8.

The Buffalo Bills - Lilly Allen
How can I put this politely? The Bills... really suck. I, like others, find myself baffled by the release of Nate Clements, London Fletcher, Takeo Spikes and anyone else on the roster who was half-decent. I'm not sure there is a word in the dictionary for the Bills off-season, oh wait, yeah there is; Crap. Yep, that about covers it. This is going to be a long long season for Bills fans, but that's ok 'cause they're probably used to it by now.