Shot to Nothing

Thursday, April 19, 2007

What if the Characters from Street Fighter II were Eligible for the Upcoming NFL Draft?

...what positions would they play and who would draft them?

Because life could be so much more interesting if reality had a few less rules.

Ryu - LB

Positives - Ryu is a truly awesome Linebacker with strength, speed and the ability to spin-kick over the trench battles on a blitz route that the QB will never see coming. With an uncanny ability to bat passes out of the sky with his incredible dragon punches, and flat out fireball any Running Back that heads in his direction, Ryu really is the complete package.

Negatives - Flat out refuses to go anywhere without Ken. There have been press reports that the two former co-trainees have fallen out but these are largely unsubstantiated rumors. Also has the tendency to throw a fireball when he meant to throw a dragon punch and this can cause havoc on the sidelines.

Most likely to be drafted by: The Pittsburgh Steelers. A good replacement for Joey Porter.

Ken - RB

P - Ken possesses uncanny similarities to Ryu and yet uses them to complement a different position. Once in possession of the ball, Ken will almost always throw a fireball to clear the path before rolling along the ground to punch his way through the D. Doesn't worry so much about finding the holes as he does making the holes, Ken is an excellent north to south runner.

N - Personal Problems. Ken has been forced to take out a restraining order against former training partner Ryu who he claims has been stalking him ever since an experimental night in the woods back when they were teenagers.

Most likely to be drafted by: Whoever takes Ryu.

E.Honda - DE

P - Although incredibly fat and slow, E.Honda uses his patented 'thousand hand slap' to keep O-linemen off of him before launching his fat ass through the air in a devastating horizontal manoeuvre that has seen the demise of many a QB.

N - He's fat, slow and uncommitted, preferring to eat sushi rather than train. Also has an unpleasant habit of grabbing and dry humping cheerleaders, team doctors, coaches and anyone else within reach for that matter. His last victim was rumored to be Nick Saban.

Most likely to be drafted by: The New England Patriots looking to cash in on that Japanese market.

Blanka - C

P - Quite possibly the best Centre of all time, nobody is ever going to get past Blanka. Using a little known technique, Blanka will turn himself into a blinding ball of electricity immediately after snapping the ball. On a running play Blanka will spin through the air bowling any opposition to the floor.

N - Finding electrocution proof O-linemen is proving harder and harder in today's NFL. Because of this it may be hard to find anybody willing enough to risk death by lining up next to him.

Most likely to be drafted by: Miami Dolphins. He won't look out of place in Miami

Guile - QB

P - Guile is your prototypical QB, with good arm strength, great vision and an uncanny ability to beat any opponent no matter who is giving him the playcalls. Oh, and that sonic boom thing he does is pretty decent at dealing with any Corner Back Blitz.

N - Guile is far more concerned with his image then he is with his career. Has already signed numerous contracts for photo-shoots in several well known Men's Magazines. Has left a trail of pregnant women in his wake and could be exceptionally high maintenance.

Most likely to be drafted by: The Oakland Raiders. He will be dropped after one year however.

Dhalsim - WR

P - So slow that you wouldn't believe he could be effective at wideout, however, the ability to teleport down field in a nanosecond makes Dhalsim a nightmare match up for Defences. When caught up in a block, Dhalsim will simply ignite his opponents with his 'yoga flame'. A constant scoring threat.

N - Tells the most awful jokes and tells them horribly slowly. What with that and the stenching breath, can often make you feel like your trapped in the elevator from hell should be unfortunate enough to ride one with him.

Most likely to be drafted by: The Detroit Lions. (He's a WR)

Chun-Li - CB

P - Has incredible speed of feet and as such can keep up with even the fastest receiver. A long pass down field will always be deflected with her 'spinning bird kick' which bats away balls without drawing calls for pass interference.

N - Can only play three games out of every four. Because, you know, they're played once a week...

Most likely to be drafted by: Nobody because she's a girl. Sexist bastards.

Zangief - G

P - Big and slow are perfect qualities for a guard these days and just what NFL teams are looking for. Laughs in the face of the blitz and simply spins roud with his arms extended to blast away any approaching defenders.

N - Really, really likes spinning people around in the air whilst sitting on their face. This experience is so horrific that it causes lasting damage to the victim.

Most likely to be drafted by: The Houston Texans. Instead of somebody outstanding.

Labels: , , , ,


At 6:37 am, Anonymous Michael McNeil said...

Hilarious! I have to press this, nice work!

At 6:41 am, Anonymous When the NFL draft and video games collide ... « The Hazean said...

[...] What if the Characters from Street Fighter II were Eligible for the Upcoming NFL Draft? « Shot to N... [...]

At 7:03 pm, Anonymous garry said...

Nice blog!

At 5:35 pm, Anonymous Sanchez said...

Thanks guys.

If you're really lucky I might take on Primal Instinct next. then again...


Post a Comment

<< Home