Sign of a Good Announcer

Ok, this has already featured over on Deadspin but it's just too good to miss if you haven't already heard it.

Some dude put together some GJ commentary and some bigass beats and produced an excellent little tune that reminded me (and everyone else who heard it) just how excellent Gus Johnson is at his job. Here's the clip.

The thing about good annoucing is that it's a bit like oldskool beat poetry. Just like an actor reading a monologue or a singer harmonising to a song, a good annoucers prose will flow with its own beat and with that of the game he's calling. It's not something we (or even they) notice consciously, but when it's done well, announcing can raise that hair on the back of your neck just like all of your favorite songs do.

That's the reason some announcing goes so well with music. You have to pick the right tracks but if the initial composition is good then you'll end up with something remarkable.

Please note: This is not liable to work with any amount of commentary performed by Phil Simms. Don't even bother trying.

Hat-tip: Deadspin, Putfile

Dolphins to dump players, fill roster with QB's.

The amount of speculation on the interwebs over who Miami's next QB will be is getting a little silly.

Depending on who you listen to, next season the Dolphin's will be fielding: JaMarcus Russell, Brady Quinn, JaMarcus Russell AND Brady Quinn, Trent Green, David Carr, Trent Green AND David Carr, Brett Favre, Drew Bledsoe and even (for the love of God) Joe Theismann.

The only person who seems to get left off of that list is Daunte Culpepper. Over on the fanhouse, Michael David Smith (one of the best writers on there IMO) points out that Culpeppers' injury has been bothering him for a considerable length of time now and he doesn't appear to be the same player that he was back in 2004. Perhaps this is the reason for all the rampant speculation we've seen over the last few weeks.

The truth is though, that we haven't actually seen the 100% fully fit Dolphin Daunte yet. Call it mindless optimism on my behalf if you will, but the fact is, that at the beginning of last season, Culpepper wasn't done healing. The games he did play in can't have helped his injury but that doesn't change the fact that we haven't actually seen him play at full fitness yet. With that in mind, is it any wonder that the Phish management and fans alike, want to give the guy another shot before tossing him asside for a possible draft bust?

Bengals and Cards don't want to watch Replays.

Thats the way their owners voted anyway. The other 30 owners voted a resounding yes to making Instant Replay a permanent feature in the NFL.

I think it's a good move but I can't help wondering what it is exactly that Mike Brown and Bill Bidwill have against Instant Replay? This isn't the first time they have voted against it, what gives? Perhaps they were both victims of some cruel VCR prank at some point in their childhoods and just can't bare to relive the nightmares?

Unfortunately, at the same meeting,the 49'ers withdrew their proposal for two different levels of pass interference. Hopefully we haven't seen the last of that idea.

Also, both moving the OT Kickoff to the 30 yard line and giving Defenses the same communications devices as QB's were both rejected. Oh, and now there's an extra window for interviewing assistant coaches or something boring and irrelevent like that.

Blogroll Driveby

It don't come better than this: (er... these)

Apparently there's some sort of bat and ball season kicking off soon. Here's a great preview of it anyway. [Complete Sports]

Who is the bigger badass - Happy Gilmore or Roy McAvoy? Find out over at [WBRS Sports Blog]

A whole new (and excellent) way of ranking whether a decision was 'Ok Ace' or 'Lame Duck City' [Ladies...]

Is Jason Jennings undervalued? [The Extrapolater] explains why you should take that chance.

[Signal to Noise]'s vision of the ninth circle of hell is alarmingly similar to mine. Except mine involves the Bay City Rollers and the banning of cheerleaders.

and finally...

Guess whose presenting the 15th ESPY awards this year? Any ideas? [Awful Announcing]

Coin Toss Schmoin Toss

An interesting post over on the fanhouse mentions the possible change in rules regarding coin tosses.

Which kinda got me thinking about the XFL's short lived idea of having a 20 yard dash to secure the ball instead of a toss.

In principle it seemed like a great idea but then, on the very first dash, one of the players dislocated his shoulder and was out for nearly the entire season. Now imagine if that were to happen to your star player and all for the sake of getting to choose who kicksoff first.

So what do you think, could this idea work in the NFL? Is it something you would like to see introduced or not? Got any better alternatives to a toss?

John McEnroe? More like Zach Thomas...

Alright, one more figure Skating post then I'm done, promise...

What is it about Johnny Weir? He hasn't scored a podium place in either the World Championships or The Olympics and yet everybody knows he is one of the worlds best Male Skaters.

If you go to a Figure Skating event and ask people who they are most looking forward to seeing, chances are a lot of them will say 'Johnny Weir'. And the announcers would probably agree with them. When Johnny takes to the ice there is an electric charge in the air, the crowd want to watch his performance, whether it be a winning one or not.

I've heard so many cliches used to describe Johnny over the last few years, 'Marches to the beat of his own Drum', 'Doesn't care what others think of him' and the old announcers favorite: 'He is the John McEnroe of figure Skating'. John McEnroe? Nope, I just don't see it. Yes, he is an individual skater who won't always go for the conventional approach to a competition, but there's a very good reason for that. Just like there's a reason you won't see him push for the win at the expense of a good program.

That reason is this: Johnny believes in the performance, the heart and soul of Figure Skating. He's got the weapons to win a World Championship; He can do the Quad jumps and he can do the spins that other skaters can't even work out, but he doesn't always choose to use them. Why? Because the Performance comes first.

And thats why the people love to watch him out on the ice. Nobody has the flair or the creativity that Johnny has. When he skates, you can see how into it he is, how much he lives for his sport.

What does this mean? Well sadly for his fans (like me, in case you hadn't already guessed), we may never get to see him on the podium of either of the two major champs but at the same time, we'll still love to watch him. No matter what he does, Johnny will always give you a great performance. That's what he believes in and it shows.

This Week in "Sports I only Watch at the Olympics..."

The World Swimming Championships is in full swing down in Melbourne, Australia.

I have no idea whats happening down there though, because I ain't watchin' it.

What? I gave you the Figure Skating didn't I? Wasn't that enough for you huh? Ok, ok here's a link for crying out loud.

ROUNDUP: World Figure Skating Championships 2007

Want to know what the most amazing thing about last weeks World Figure Skating Champs was?

Well, I'll tell you anyway asshole: It was The Judging

For the first time ever the judges got the results spot on; no controversy, no lower results for U.S. skaters and higher for Russians etc. Unbelievably, every score was perfect and it really brought a touch of badly needed respect to the sport.

The womens competition was incredibly close and was a tooth and nail affair where one small slip meant you were off the podium. The eventual winner was Miki Ando (JAP) who skated a better Free Program then any other I have watched. There were no mistakes at all and she did something like 7 triples, which in case you don't know, is kind of ridiculous. Second place went to Mao Asada (JAP) and third to sixteen year old Korean Phenom Yu-Na Kim.

Reigning world champion Kimmie Meissner came fourth after a small slip in one of her jumps. She made a heroic effort but she just didn't have the weapons to compete this time around. I have a lot of time for her though, she's a fantastic skater and, at seventeen, she'll be back.

All in all it was a pretty damned good event, you should be weeping over the fact that you missed it. No, really.

One Slogan, One Team, One Vision - S.T.W.

There was a time when the England dressing room at Twickenham was adorned with painted slogans like the one you see to your left. There were pictures and dates of great English triumphs plastered all over the locker room and it's surrounding corridors.

These served to inspire the players and remind them of the proud history and heavy responsibility that lay on their shoulders.

But now all that is in the past. The slogans are gone, the pictures have been taken down and the walls are painted a blank white.

The last three years have been the darkest for English Rugby and unlike their wet millionaire soccer counterparts, the players really have felt the pain and endured the embarrassment of loss after loss.
The rebuilding started with a dynamic win over France, but there is a long way to go as we saw after a truly awful performance and a loss to Wales.

And now, heading into the World Cup in August and with expectations and pride at their lowest point, a new slogan has been painted above the door to the English locker room. Three solitary red letters in a sea of bare white walls:

S.T.W. - Shock The World.

There's fight in the old bulldog yet.

Credit where it's Due. But he's still an asshole.

God, it really pains me to write this...

Brian Joubert is the new World Figure skating Champion.  Both his short and (especially) his free programs were flawless and there wasn't another skater who came close to him. This was his championship and he took it in superb fashion.

But why can't he be the dignified champion that skaters like Stephane Lambiel and Evgeni Plushenko were? Why do we have to be subjected to the double fist pump before the end of the routine or the 'in your face' roar that came before the competition was even over?

This is why I just can't stand the guy and why he's pissed off so many fans of the sport. He is a great skater but he's also one hell of an asshole.

Is Matt Shcaub that big an issue?

Boy, slow news day or what?

Over on NFL Fanhouse, the front page has not one, not two but THREE posts on Matt Schaub's move to the Texans.

I'm not sure I fully understand the hype behind Matt Schaub. I mean, this might be crazy talk but I actually think Charlie Batch is a more impressive backup and ain't nobody offering him a starting position.

So I guess that's my big question; Is Matt Schaub a better QB then Charlie Batch? Why?

And if not should teams be looking to prize Batch away from the Steelers?

Reading this Blog could make you rich.

No, seriously.

In my Preview of the World Figure Skating Championships 2007 I predicted that the top three places would go to Xue Shen/Hongbo Zhao(CHI), Qing Pang/Jian Tong (CHI), Aliona Savchenko/Robin Szolkowy (GER) in that order.

You can confirm the result here but it ended up like so:

1. Xue Shen/Hongbo Zhao(CHI)

2. Qing Pang/Jian Tong (CHI)

3. Savchenko/Robin Szolkowy (GER)

Now, this can be taken in one of two ways. Firstly, you can point out that my figure skating knowledge is way too good for a straight guy.

Don't be gettin' any funny ideas though. I'm all about the clam baby.

Secondly, you can realise that the odds you could have got on correctly picking those top three were positively monstrous and if only you had bet on it you could now be alot richer.

Then again, would I take gambling tips from a straight dude called Sanchez who loves Figure Skating? No sir, I would not.

NBC wants ME. (to link to their site).

Hey, I just received the following email from NBC, or atleast, someone claiming to be from NBC:

Hello,

My name is Vicky Ayala, Link Development strategist for NBC Sports. I was recently on your website and noticed that you have a great site for sports fans. I wanted to introduce NBC Sports to you as one of the leading sports-related news site. If you are not familiar with NBC Sports, you can check out the site here: www.nbcsports.com. Feel free to use any of the available resources on the NBC Sports website to connect your readers with current sports news. The site also includes blogs, video, schedules and standings for most major sports. One feature that would be a great fit for your site is the RSS feeds NBC Sports offers. It’s a great way to keep your site current with breaking news in any of the following areas: NFL, NHL, College Football, among others.

 I’ve included a few links should you want to immediately begin connecting your readers with NBC Sports. If you are interested in additional news content let me know.

...because, ya know, I had no idea there was such a thing as 'NBC sports'.

 

Blogroll Driveby...

All the best from around the Blogzone:

Sign the petition against the downgrading of Gus Johnson [WBRS sports Blog]

David Beckham... Well, would you? It remains divided. [Ladies...]

Two degrees of interference, something I feel pretty strongly about [Signal to Noise]

The reasons why you should definately read 'Friday Night Lights'. And I have to agree. [Complete Sports]

It ain't all about the Madness over at [Just call me Juice] Check out Manny's Grill. Yo.

Is UNC America's new favorite Team? [Awful Announcing] Er...no.

And Finally...

Cobi Jones is retiring. Yeah, I don't care either, but it's a good post aight? [The Sports Dad]

Top Five Reasons why I'm not Blogging about March Madness

In reverse order...

5. Everyone and his Momma is blogging about March Madness

4. If I do, it will only turn into a rant about Billy Packer and Awful Announcing has that angle all sewn up.

3. I'm a gambling man; the more time I spend focused on the Madness, the more it hurts my wallet. Unless I win of-course, but this site ain't called 'Shot to Nothing' for er... nothing.

2. Didn't you hear?? This week is the World Figure Skating Championships!

1. Look, if it comes down to writing a big ass Madness post or doing a quick 'five reasons' list and getting a shot at some 'quality' time with a beautiful lady, well...

PREVIEW: World Figure Skating Championships 2007.

So, today sees the start of the annual exhibition of just how wierd my fandom can get. This looks to be a good year for it really, what with the skaters that I support all looking fairly horrendous and the ones that I hate all finding superior form. If my T.V. set lasts the whole week without a new dent or scratch appearing then it will be an absolute miracle.

And If Sarah Meier gets maced by the judges this time around then I swear by the almighty ice lord Thor, there will be hell to pay. I may just fly on out there to take my vengeance out on the swine in person (with the Eric Cantona kung-fu special attack perhaps) rather then indirectly attacking them via my... er... blog.

'Cause you gotta have goals.

Anyways, on with the preview:

Men's: It will be a sweet sweet turn of the books if Brian Joubert (FRA) doesn't win this time around. He is the in-form guy and though his season best score is below those set by the Japanese pair Daisuke Takahashi and Nobunari Oda, they will have a job beating him. That being said, this tournament is being held in Tokyo and Joubert has a knack of clutching defeat from the jaws of victory in major competitions.

Evan Lysacek (USA) will also challenge along with Stephane Lambiel (SWI), but I can't see either winning it. Lysacek is not as good as the judges in the U.S. want him to be and Lambiel has hardly competed at all in the season so far, so its hard to say whether he will be any good or not. As for my man Johnny Weir... well, with a seasons best of under 200 all I can say is 'good luck', and if you lose don't worry, I'll tell everyone you were screwed by the judges. Again.

Women's: Now we're talking. This year it's wide open with several skaters all looking for that perfect routine on the night to take first place. The U.S' Kimmie Meissner is the reigning World Champ and looks pretty good again this year but will face stiff opposition from Mao Asada (JPN), Yu-Na Kim (Kor), Miki Ando (JPN), the superb Carolina Kostner (ITA) and my personal favorite (and the woman of many all of my sexual fantasies) Sarah Meier (SWI).

What with this tournament being held in Tokyo and all, I would say it's very likely we will see a Japanese triumph here. Which isn't to say that it wouldn't be deserved; Mao Asada has a massive seasons best of 199.52, now that would take some beating. But ehy, if Sarah Meier finishes in the top three, I'll be partying all night no matter what else happens.

Pair's: I'm just going to go right ahead and predict the top three for ya; Xue Shen/Hongbo Zhao(CHI), Qing Pang/Jian Tong (CHI), Aliona Savchenko/Robin Szolkowy (GER) in that order. And if it don't happen like that then just call it biased judging and go back to surfing for pictures of hot ice-skating chicks like I will be.

Did I say that out loud?

'Ice Dancing' doesn't get a preview because Ice Dancing is shit. Rock n' roll.

Oh, and if you're wondering why I'm blogging about Figure Skating then you must have missed this post.

Six Nations 2007 - Best and Worst

The Six Nations was won by France with a blistering last minute try that saw them clinch victory by one solitary point over Ireland.

Here is my Best and worst for the Tournament:

Best: Johnathan Davies. There is no better sports announcer/commentator then Johnathan Davies on the entire planet. He is knowledgeable, professional and 100% unbiased even at times when even the strongest of us would want to rant at our teams' good/bad play.

(Yeah, I picked an announcer for best part of the tournament; you didn't think I'd pick a French player did you?)

Worst: Brian Ashton's decisions on the final weekend. Making an apres
regular season Marty Shottenheimer proud, Ashton decided to put players in positions they don't play/hadn't played before (think O-lineman playing cornerback), substituted off the only player who was playing well for a player with proven crapness at international level (he didn't disappoint this time either), replaced seasoned vets on the field with unproven youngsters (despite having other seasoned vets on the bench) and sat in the stands looking bored for the entire second half.

I thought we were past all this Brian? It was for making decisions like this that your predecessor was sacked, why are you following in his footsteps?

Oh, and when your team is sucking, at least make an effort to look like it matters to you...

Soccer IS dying - it turns out I was right...

Today the Football League set up a 'working party' to investigate ways that they can make the game more attractive.

I know; I'm as shocked as you are believe me. Traditionally the FA, the football League, Fifa, Uefa or whoever the fuck turn down any new proposals to update the game of soccer. They seem to impervious to the falling viewing figures, falling attendances and the fact that soccer is run the same way now as it was 200 sum years ago when it was invented. They refuse to even bring in instant replay to modernise the game. Even Cricket has brought in Instant replay forgoonessake...

It's good to see atleast one of the soccer governing bodies actually accepting that soccer has become...well, kinda dull. There's only so many times a guy will pay $200 to sit in his $150 shirt and watch a nil-nil draw before he starts to feel a bit short changed.

But it ain't time for the hallelujahs just yet folks. Among other things the 'working party' is looking at introducing penalties to decide drawn games. And herein lies the heart of the issue; The Football League are looking to decide the result after a draw when what they should be looking at is why there are so many draws in the first place.

I've been over and over the reasons why soccer refuses to change but the number one road block is the refusal of the governing bodies to accept that games should be won and lost in 90 minutes and the more goals the better.

And you know what? It would be ridiculously easy for them to make this happen. Just pick any one of the following:

kick-ins instead of throw-ins

Goals scored outside of the penalty box should be worth two points instead of one.

If the game is drawn on ninety minutes both keepers are removed and its sudden death.

If the game is drawn on ninety minutes both teams pick their best six players and play sudden death

If the game is drawn on ninety minutes you play sudden death until somebody wins

No more points for a draw.

Other good ideas would include: Reviewing games after they have been played and suspending any diving players for severe lengths of time. Rigidly timed clock that ends exactly on ninety minutes, only the captains can talk to the refs.

Unless any of this happens soccer will die a slow and bankrupt death.

There may be a worse team then the Dolphins in the AFC East next year.

There is thin line between 'Pushing It' and 'Asking For It',

And when it comes to preparing to fail, well, the Bills know all about that.

The 'Pushing It' period began when we heard that not only had Nate Clements and London Fletcher-Baker been allowed to sign for other teams, but that star running back Willis Mcgahee (who was kind of carrying the team last year) had aswell.

That period is well and truly over though now baby. Grab your shit, 'cause we're headed towards the 'Asking For It' zone. It appears that Buffalo will be using a 'Running Back by Committee' set up in 07-08, just to ensure that everything really does go wrong for them. This may have worked for a little while back in 99' but I think it's a little out dated in todays NFL.

This situation is a bit like the whole men's razor blade fiasco that is going around. You know what I mean right? First we had one blade razors, then it was two. Then there was the whole Gillette Mac 3 thing (it worked for me I have to confess), which soon turned into the Wilkinson Sword four blade bohemoth and by this point I was chuckling to myself and thinking that it couldn't possibly go any further... WRONG!

We now have the Six blade Gillette Fusion which apparrently provides the 'comfort of five blades' (five blades pressed against ones throat is supposed provide comfort?) and the 'precision of one'.

That's how this 'Running Back by Committee' thing has come about. Once Bill Bellyache started going on about 'twin blades' it got the Bills thinking. And it looks like they've decided to bypass all the other steps and just head straight for the potential five blade zone...

Thanks to Dan Benton over on Fanhouse and WBRS Sports blog for this.

Blogroll Driveby...

These posts are 100% more ultra then those other posts:

If you haven't left a nice message for Insomniac then go do it now [Insomniacs Lounge]

Huge Live blogging event. Madness or Fandome - YOU DECIDE [WBRS Sports Blog]

Somebody thinks Tom Brady is going to have good season next year thanks to the Patriots moves in Free Agency. Pah what do they know [The Sports Dad]

NFL player commits minor infraction... by NFL player standards anyway. [Signal to Noise]

Have you made your final four prediction yet? [Complete Sports]

This may be the reason that I support so many crap teams [Deadspin]

and finally...

ESPN is reverting back to the 1980's. And why the hell not I say... [Awful Announcing]

Disgraced former Athlete Chambers is a Seadevil.

An update on this post.

Dwain Chambers has managed to secure himself a spot on the Hamburg Seadevils' roster for the 2007 season. He managed to beat out several hundred others over three tough cuts to earn the right to play Wide Receiver in NFL Europe.

This is obviously something the Seadevils are particularly pleased with, if their website is anything to go by. (I'm assuming they're saying it's a good thing - it's in German and I nicht spreken deutsch compadres)

I have to admit I'm pretty pleased about it too. I was a massive Dwain chambers fan during his athletics career and I was gutted when he was caught cheating. I just didn't think he had it in him, but I guess that's what happens when you build up your sports heroes too much; you set yourself up for disappointment.

As for former Olympic gold medalist Justin 'The Gun' Gatlin, there doesn't appear to be such a bright outlook. He tried out with both the Texans and the Cardinals but neither were interested. And hey if those teams ain't interested then you better have a back up plan...

Currently Gatlin is serving as a volunteer coach at his old school, Woodham High. He's a bit of a local hero down there apparently. Well... there you go.

I will continue to keep my eyes on both of these guys in the future. I know its wrong to stick your support behind a drugs cheat, but in Chambers case, I just can't help it. It's difficult to hate a guy who you've been supporting for so long, especially now the dust has settled. I just hope he makes the most of this second chance he's been given.

[BBC sport] - Chambers
[Orlando Sentinel] - Gatlin

Six Nations Weekend Roundup - It's Wide Open

With one week left to play, The Six Nations Championship (Rugby Union) is wide open. Well... kind of...

This weekend we saw three incredible, closely fought contests that all yielded unexpected results:

In Scotland, Ireland decided they had already done enough to win the tournament and therefore needn't turn up. Fortunately for them two silly Scotish mistakes gave them the penalties they needed to squeeze out the win by one point. Scotland 18 - Ireland 19.

In Italy the Sheep Shaggers (Wales) proved that they are indeed, the only people on the planet that still think the Welsh team is an international force. Italy played a hard physical game ('cause thats all they can do, lets face it) and deserved the win. there was controversy at the end when they were awarded a penalty that they could have kicked to draw the game in the dying seconds. Instead they kicked for touch to go for the win... and ran out of time.  The Welsh team have been complaining about this moment all damned weekend but the truth of the matter is that the Ref plainly said to them "You've got ten seconds left" and yet they went for the kick to touch anyway. There's no gurantee that Hook wuld have made the difficult kick anyway and whats the difference between 3 losses and one draw and four losses anyway? It's just "Painting over the cracks", as former Welsh international (and the best damned announcer in th business) said. Wales 20 - Italy 23

Then on Sunday came the big one. England vs. France and all to play for. If France had won they would have almost definitely closed out the tournament with just Scotland to play next week. Luckily the reigning World Champions finally showed a bit of what used to make them great. They played the 'no fear' style they use in the southern hemisphere, which basically means that you attack from deep in your own half and bollocks to the consequences. In David Strettle, England have found their new speed man. He is an awesome winger whose play speaks volumes; 'Just Give Me the Damned Ball' it says, 'I'll find ths Space!' A great win for England that keeps them (and unfortunately, Ireland) in the tournament. France 18 - England 26. Woot.

What does this mean for the tournament? Well its simple really... or not. There can be three winners via four different outcomes:

1. France beat Scotland by more then Ireland beat Italy. (Unlikely)

2. Ireland hammer Italy by five points more then France beat Scotland. (Likely)

3. England beat Wales by 48 points to win the tournament. (Extremely unlikely) 

4. France, Ireland and England all lose leaving France to take the tournament. Just. (If this happens I'm moving to Canada and watching golf 'til I die)

Oh and one more thing; Will everybody please shut the fuck up about England's supposed 'fly-half conundrum'? It's very simple: If Johnny Wilkinson is fit then he plays. He won us the world cup and he invigorates the entire team when he plays. He is the Talisman baby, Flood and Geraghty just don't come close.

Is Matt Leinart a Brady love child?

The forehead, the jawline, the ladykiller style... I'm just putting it out there is what I'm doing.

Of-course, this would mean that Brady knocked some chick up when he was six, but ehy, this is Tom 'mom maker' Brady we're talking about here. Is it really that unbelievable?

Ok, yeah it is, but what with everything that's going on right now, I'm starting to wonder if Brady's Seamen kind of see contraception as 'The Defense' or something. Think about that for a minute...

What kind of play would be the most appropriate to surpass a Ribbed Durex? Would the right type of offense for a cap be the same for that of a coil? I'm assuming smash mouth does not perform well in this situation, or atleast, won't get you all the way to the endzone anyway. Hmm...

Either way, it's probably a good bet that Brady isn't going to retire anytime soon. At the rate he's going, he can't afford to.

Selling the Unsellable - Pacman Jones' Brain

Over on ebay bidding is hotting up for the latest in designer sporting gear.

Pacman Jones' Brain.

As I write the price has just hit the lofty height of $15.50 and has an almight 10 bids. I can't see this one not getting pulled; it ain't exactly like ebay to let you sell off things you don't own. But then again they don't have a problem with you selling a load of crap...

I am stunned by the ingenuity of the Titans fan base, buit does anyone really think Pacman's brain is worth 15.50 of any currency?

25,000 Hounds. And they're all more glamorous than you.

The biggest dog fest in the world kicks off today.

With 190 breeds on show and approximately 100,000 immaculately groomed paws, Crufts is quite literally, overflowing with bitches.
But I got a question for ya. Why dogs? I mean, instead of dog shows, why don't we have like a 'Hamster of theYear' show or a Randy Rabbits award for the most promiscuous Leporidae?

Last years 'Best in Show' winner was an Australian Shephearder called 'Caitland Isle Take a Chance' (?). Now there's a dog that likes to kick ass (as well as sniff it...*rim-shot*)

Roman Sebrle is a Hard Bastard

Olympic Decathlon Champion and World Record holder Roman Sebrle has always had a reputation as being a modern day ironman. But now he's just taking it too damned far.

Whilst training in South Africa in January Sebrle was speared through the right arm in a freak accident. Ashia Hansen, a fellow athlete who witnessed the incident, said "It was really surreal; the javelin hit him in the shoulder and he just pulled it out..."

Thats right. The man was hit by a javelin that put a 12cm gash in his arm and went right through to the otherside and he straight up pulled the damn thing right out. How hard can one man be?

Pretty hard actually. Three days later he was out on the field training again. Yeah-huh.

Perhaps no one expected South African Javelin expert Sunette Vijoen to lash one out there to such a distance; the throw that caught Sebrle was also her longest of the session, (which makes me wonder if she had been trying to spear him all day and missing...). I would look out for her at the World Champs if I was him.

You can still see the scar in the photo. It fits quite nicely with his 'Not even a fucking spear attack can slow ME down' expression.

Survival Guides: What to do if your Favorite Player gets Traded to a Rival Team

1. Gnash teeth, hammer keyboard, impersonate chick from 'The Excorcist.' (your mother sucks cocks in hell...etc.)

2. Repeat.

3. Breathe deeply, relax and remember that this is the NFL and that this shit happens all the time.

4. Hammer head against wall, varying both aggression and angle of attack.

5. Get out that overpriced jersey from last season and admire it. Think of all the good things that that player did for your team. Remind yourself that he deserves to get paid for his efforts...

6. Throw jersey to floor and stamp several times. Ensure both player name and team logo are sufficiently targeted.

7. Check out the latest transfers to see that, not only has Joey Harrington finally been cut, but that you have also signed one of the finest damned players in the league (or atleast one of the craziest).

8. Drink yourself into oblivion anyway, because you just spent a crapload of money on a player you didn't need.

Disclaimer: This system is 100% unchecked and unverified. If you decide to follow it then you may die in some horrible fashion or other. By doing so you also accept that I am not responsible for this and agree to buy me several alcoholic beverages whilst I supervise your sorry ass.

Blogroll Driveby...

Some of the best from around the blogzone:

Desmond Mason raps... badly. Not to be missed though. [WBRS Sports Blog]

Polygamy finally gets some positive coverage. Its about damned time...[Signal to Noise]

You want to pick your own Live-Blog experience? You got it! [Awful Announcing]

Argyle Sweater Love and the World of Dick Davey. You know you want to know more![Just Call Me Juice]

Should you sacrifice you're childs happinnes in order to produce a pro athlete? Damn straight. [The Sports Dad]

And finally...

My Brady tip got featured! Bow down to my superior tipdom... do it. DO IT. (Please?)[Deadspin]

Lock up your daughters...

It no longer matters whether Tom Brady is in town or not. Our women can dress and undress him anytime they like thanks to 'Stardoll.com'

Yes that is a Tom Brady virtual paper doll standing there in his virtual Calvin Cleins'. It gets worse.

Tom's particular Stardoll is listed under the 'Athlete' category along with other handsome fellows such as Dennis Rodman and Ronaldinho (??)

In other news:

I'd love to say that I'm not interested in seeing Joey Porter come to Miami but it would be a total lie. Although more than anything I'd rather see us spend the big bucks on a position we actually need help on (see: anywhere else in the team), Joey Porter is an awesome nutter and he'd make an several instant impacts. How do you peeps feel about this move? Good or bad for the Phish?

Also: Joey Harrington is still, (STILL!) on the frickin' roster.

Don't sign the form Wes!

The New England Patriots are set to offer Phin fan's favorite Wes Welker a seven year $38.5 million contract.

Welker was one of the only shining lights in a dark, dark season for the Dolphins. Along with Zach Thomas and Jason Taylor, he makes up the very heart of the team and the fans love him. Please don't sign the form Wes, we need you.

Ok, so that's a little on the corny side but what are you supposed to do when your team is flogging its best players left, right and centre? If Welker becomes a Patriot I will be devastated.

If he decides to sign the offer sheet, Miami will then have seven days to match the offer or they will lose him in return the Pats second round draft pick. A second round draft pick is no compensation for breaking the heart of the team. Match Beat the offer Wayne!

A vision of frustration

Will somebody please give Wayne Huizenga and Cam Cameron a call and remind them that Free Agency is NOW OPEN.

To my knowledge the Phins haven't approached one single player and Joey Harrington is still on the frickin' roster. Whats going on here? Are we supposed to be content to stick with the team that gave us an almighty six wins last season?!

NFL contracts = Pack of damn lies

Picture the scene: It's early morning at Nate's house but you can tell there's been a party going on for some time.

You can hear dull, muted sounds coming from somewhere and it sounds like it could be coming from the living room. You head over to investigate and yes, this is definitely where the loud music is coming from.

You fling open the door and are greeted by the sight of a butt-naked Nate Clements dancing around with a bottle of Cristal in one hand and a brand new contract in the other. He doesn't notice you though as he's too busy dancing and singing to the music; "Goin' loco down in Acapulco!...yeah!!"

And then you wake up in a sticky mess because you're a weird fucker and a sick, sick puppy.

But seriously, congratulations to Nate for his fantastic 8 year, $80 million contract (for contract read: useless piece of paper) with the 49ers. Perhaps I'm just bitter because I wanted the Dolphins to go after Nate Clements and they didn't or maybe I'm just a pessimistic asshole, but Clements is 27 years old and I'm willing to bet that most of that $80 million is structured to come in at the end of the contract. Does anyone really believe that Nate will still be playing for the 49ers in six years time let alone eight?

Right now he is a superb player in his prime but in eight years time he will be 35 years old. Once he hits 32 or 33 don't you think the 49ers might think about cutting their expensive veteran loose?

Alright, I'm being cynical as hell, but aren't you getting tired of seeing these astronomical numbers being offered to players by teams that never intend to pay out the full whack? I know I am. Clements is wise to this of-coarse, which is why he has $22 million of that contract guaranteed, but surely it must play on his mind that the tail end of that contract could just be one big ass illusion created to get him to sign the form.

#9 Tedy Bruschi

Hey, when someone mentions the name Bruschi in your vacinity what's the first thing that enters your head?

Do you think something along the lines of 'burrr... Patriots Linebacker...burrr... 15 starts last season, 54 tackles... burrr..........1.5 sacks.....burrrrrrrr... '? 

No, you don't.

You think something along the lines of 'Dude, did somebody mention brewskis? What an excellent idea...'

Being named after beer is cool. Tedy makes the list.